i don't usually receive many compliments. this is because, as you may have guessed by the previous posts, i don't have a lot of friends. but one of the things i always heard back when i was a kid and sometimes still do to this day is: "You're so smart!". this is one of the only compliments that i've heard consistently about me and that was always most likely directed at me.
you might be questioning why i dislike being called smart. the problem is that most people will say that because they know that i'm gifted or something along those lines and it will almost never come from the fruition of my work. and even then, some people will still go out of their way to mention it in the tone that indicates they reference my neurodivergence. and that kinda sucks! i don't hate compliments (especially not now T_T), but i hate when a person devalues my work and who i am as a person to acknowledge how "smart" i am. i'm not my neurodivergence, and my work comes from the fruition of trillions of synapses that my neurons do almost every second.
i love being noticed. i love being known for who i am, but most of the times these compliments come empty. they're just words meant to show a superficial display of knowledge about the individual they're talking to, without even showing a hint of wanting to know more or even being interested. that's why most of the friendships i went through as a kid felt empty, because everyone thought i was ahead of them. i'm not ahead of anyone. in fact, by not being with the people close to me because of this superstition that i'm bigger, that just puts me behind everyone else.
when i was creating this blog, my first thought was that i wanted to share who i was. it comes to a point where you realize that the only person that knows you and appreciates you for who you are is you. that's very depressing, and i wanted to change that. i wanted to expose who i was, how i was, what i think and what my thoughts are in their raw form. everything i do goes through a filter that mows down interactions into bite-sized. nothing ever really felt significant, and i wanted to change that. so that's why i started. and that's why i write. not everything here is for everyone: some of my posts are really personal, some of my posts are rambles, but all of my posts come from the heart.
in short: i don't hate being called smart. i don't, really. but what i hate is this lack of wanting to know the other in a conversation. when we talk, i want to know you! i want our conversations to be fruitful! but most importantly, i want it to be a back and forth, and not just one-sided questions and listening. reader, if i know you, my sincerest apologies if i have ever made our conversations feel one-sided. i'm trying to get better at talking every day, so my apologies.